I created Living ROI as a passion, to share my experiences and support others who want to live more authentic, joyful and fulfilling lives.
Dear Friends,
I woke up at 2 a.m. on Wednesday morning and it occurred to me that the best thing I could do, considering all, was to die. As a planner and a strategist, I was about to figure out the best way to accomplish this when I realized that my thinking was desperately wrong.
Fortunately, we are all taught to recognize that thoughts of death and suicide are a serious indicator and should never be ignored, no matter how fleeting.
I was in the mountains on my own and I decided to pack up right then and get on the road to drive home. Despite the fresh foot of snow in mid-May and likely icy conditions in the wee hours, that’s exactly what I did. I texted my husband to let him know I’d be on the road just in case something happened during that dark and isolated drive down the mountain without cell reception.
On a side note, I always have a warm sleeping bag, emergency kit and water in my car, so I’m prepared in case of an emergency. It’s the Girl Scout and Girl Scout leader in me.
There is really no part of me that would naturally want to tell this story so publicly, and, similar to other stories I’ve shared in this newsletter, I had no intention to do so. When I’m in a situation like this, I ask myself a few questions: Is it relevant? Might it help someone? Would it hurt anyone (including me)? If the answers are, “yes, yes, no,” then I seriously consider sharing it.
And so it was when I shared about my recent fasting journey and the fact that I went off antidepressants to do it.
I didn’t think I was depressed; I was angry, and I had a big long list of why. My husband was at the top of that list, followed closely behind by my daughters who seemed to be taking his side and ganging up on me.
I did think it was odd that I was considering whether or not this marriage of 27 years, that we have worked so hard on, was at risk. I thought, “Maybe we will be a COVID-19 casualty.”
Ever since I got back from my fasting experience, there had been more tension. I decided to start a BIG home improvement project that has been on my list for years. It wasn’t a project my husband was excited about, and since he manages construction in our world it has been a sticky subject. And, this is an issue we need to deal with still in our relationship, but it is far from a showstopper.
I became so distraught last weekend that I was leaning heavily on my wonderful friends and sisters. On Monday, I could no longer cope with managing the construction project plus work and decided I would go to the mountains on my own and have some solitude for a few days. I was going to suspend the construction project, but my husband, seeing that I was not myself, said he would manage it and told me to focus on taking care of myself. In the middle of my anger and pushing him away he totally stepped up and has continued to do so.
As I was leaving for the mountains, one of my daughters mentioned antidepressants and maybe I should bring them with me. The idea that I was upset because of going off the antidepressants had not even crossed my mind. It was brave of her to mention it, but I ended up texting her shortly thereafter that, “Society doesn’t like to see women, especially mothers and wives, angry. They get called ‘hysterical’ and ‘crazy’ and have been drugged and institutionalized.”
All true, but what my daughter was seeing was not just anger. She had never seen me like this, and she knew something was wrong. The next day, Tuesday, I had a phone conversation from the mountains with my other daughter. She also bravely stepped up to share a story about her friend’s bumpy experience going off antidepressants and that I may be having a similar experience. In the moment, it made me angrier, but it planted the seed even deeper which helped interrupt my faulty thinking that very next morning at 2 a.m.
Earlier on Tuesday, during work, I found myself edgier than normal. More uptight, questioning and judgmental. Everything I don’t want to be as a servant leader. That was another clue. Something was off.
I didn’t know there was a connection between anger and depression. I have experienced depression, a long time ago, and I felt a deep sadness and total lack of motivation. This felt different. I was riled up.
I made it home around 7 a.m. on Wednesday morning, and my husband was there to help. After sleeping for several hours, I reunited with my family, thanked my daughters for bringing up the antidepressants and thanked my husband for stepping up and supporting me despite my fierce anger.
I have resumed my antidepressants at the low dose I had been on for months before I had weaned off all together. I do plan to try again in the future when I’m not living in an upside-down pandemic world. I hadn’t wanted to go off antidepressants when my girls were still at home. I grew up with an often-depressed mother and I didn’t want my daughters to ever experience that. It’s ironic that I ended up going through this experience while they were living with me, unexpectedly, because of COVID-19.
Life is messy sometimes, and I’m sure there must be some goodness that comes from my daughters witnessing this episode. I can only hope that is the case.
My extraordinary anger is gone, but I can feel that it will take another week or two or maybe longer before I’m back to full function. After so many years of taking antidepressants, the process of going off them is delicate. It’s possible that I’ll never be able to go off them altogether. Time will tell.
However, it’s impossible to single out a chemical imbalance as the only factor for my emotional reaction. These are stressful times that are impacting everyone on some level.
A recent Washington Post article identifies the dramatic increase in anxiety and depression in the U.S. “Three months into the coronavirus pandemic, the country is on the verge of another health crisis, with daily doses of death, isolation and fear generating widespread psychological trauma.”
Just last week, the head of trauma at a medical center in the San Francisco Bay Area said, “…we’ve seen a year’s worth of suicide attempts in the last four weeks. The numbers are unprecedented.”
I offer this raw story and sobering data to shed some light and increase awareness. If someone in your life is acting irrationally, talk with them. See through the anger to the deep pain inside and let them know you are with them and they are not alone. And if you are feeling hopeless yourself, reach out to others and share what is going on. You are not alone.
Wishing us all peace and courage!
Barbara Fagan-Smith
CEO, ROI Communication
Chief Catalyst, Living ROI
P.S. Thank you to my sisters, both blood and chosen, for being there for me!! I love you so very much!
