Dear Friends,
I want to share a personal update with you. Historically in this newsletter I have been very transparent about my personal life, and to not share this news, that is so central to my life, would feel disingenuous. It is also my hope that by sharing, someone may be supported or touched in a helpful way.
Colin and I have divorced after 30 years of marriage. It has been a long and sensitive process. Gratefully, Colin and I remain close friends and our daughters, Emerald and Marina, feel more settled about the change at this point. We are still a family and always will be.
No one gets married planning to get divorced, so coming to this decision was no small matter. It was a multi-year process. The experience has been disappointing, sad and devastating at times. It has also been liberating and empowering. A marriage, and a divorce, touch many people. Some looked to Colin and me as an example of a strong marriage. We have worked hard on our marriage, and it has paid off over the years. However, we found that our lives had truly diverged to the point of it making more sense to head out on our own individual paths than to stay married. Going forward, our family will remain central to us and will continue to get our care and attention.
There is no easy way to share news like this, hence, many people just don’t talk about it. That would be out of character for me. Despite how hard it is to be open about such a tender part of my life, given how I’ve shared my own story so openly, nothing short of open disclosure would make sense.
I am truly sorry that my marriage didn’t survive. I expected it to, and I wanted to be one of those people who was married for 50-plus years. I’m sorry for the pain it has caused my direct family. I’m sorry for the disappointment people in my near and far circles have or may experience. For some it is scary to hear about a long-term, committed marriage not making it. We look to others as examples, and when we see what we don’t want, it can be upsetting. Nonetheless, getting divorced clearly felt like the right course of action.
Colin and I are not alone in this growing phenomenon called “gray divorce.” More and more older couples are deciding to go their separate ways later in life, after the kids are grown and their combined efforts to raise a family are in a less intense phase. As we stay healthier and live longer, we realize there are many years ahead of us when we’re in our 50s and 60s. There are several factors, but the bottom line is that gray divorce is growing, while the overall divorce rate shrinks. Better to get ahead of it, whether that is to pay attention to your marriage or seriously consider a change. After going through this process, I realize that getting divorced is NOT the easy way out. On the contrary, I would strongly suggest you stay married if you can make it work in a fulfilling way.
I want to acknowledge those who have experienced intense discord during a divorce—either directly themselves or that of their parents or other loved ones. For many reasons, moving through a divorce while maintaining a compassionate connection and mutual respect is not always possible. Colin and I feel fortunate to be able to walk through this level of change with respect, harmony and love. I believe that it is a reflection of the focused efforts we have made toward our marriage and our family.
Life rarely unfolds the way we expect it to. This change was not what I expected, but it is what has happened, and all I can do is be honest and loving about it. Colin and I are now on the other side of the most intense part of this journey and see exciting lives ahead for each of us. It does get easier. I hope in some way my sharing this personal news will be helpful to others as difficult experiences often are.
P.S. As part of this change, I have returned my name to Barbara Fagan.
P.P.S. Enjoy the full “pink moon” tonight!
