I created Living ROI as a passion, to share my experiences and support others who want to live more authentic, joyful and fulfilling lives.
Dear Friends,
Generally, don’t.
This topic is relevant for me because I love to give advice. Sometimes people want to hear it, but mostly, when my friends and family talk with me about something they are grappling with, they just need me to hear them and be with them.
I recently heard some great content on this topic from Susan Pierce Thompson of Bright Line Eating. I’ve taken nuggets from her videos and added some of my own thoughts on the topic.
We’ve all experienced sharing a problem with someone only to have them begin to tell us how we should handle it. Most the time they are not on base and we feel annoyed. We might even feel judged or lectured to and wish we hadn’t said anything in the first place.
When a person is sharing a problem with a friend, they are often feeling overwhelmed on some level; and having that friend (or colleague or parent) pile on ideas and thoughts just isn’t helpful. The listener doesn’t know all the details; when they offer suggestions, it requires the person sharing the problem to start explaining, defending and justifying why a certain suggestion wouldn’t work. Instead of defusing the stress, offering suggestions often adds to it.
Your role is to help them calm down and get to a place where they can think through what the next right thing is and take effective action. They often just need to get the thoughts out of their head. After they have emptied all their thoughts and stress out, they will be drawn to their own truth.
When people are going through hard stuff, they often feel isolated. They can feel like they’re in an igloo at the South Pole with nothing but a candle that is going to burn out soon. Your job is to show up at their igloo door, crawl inside with some tea and just say, “You’re not alone. I’m here with you.”
That’s all you’ve got to do. Your presence is enough. People have their answers inside of them, and with enough safety, and enough compassion, they will know what the next right move is.
You don’t have to solve their problem. The only effective solutions come from inside of them.
Here’s an example of how this might play out. A friend of yours just got laid off from her job. She is sharing her story about it with you.
She says, “I can’t believe this happened to me. I had no idea. I feel like a loser and I’m pissed off too.”
You say, “You must feel shocked. It’s understandable that you’re super upset about this. Tell me more.”
She goes on to share the details and you continue to reflect what she is saying to you, without interjecting an opinion or your own emotions. You remain focused, compassionate and solid. As your friend feels more and more heard, releases the details from her head and shares her feelings, she will begin to open to what she needs to do next.
Sometimes, very rarely, someone might want your advice. You can ask them, “It sounds like you’re asking me to weigh in; are you really wanting my thoughts right now?”
My daughters, Emerald and Marina, have been my teachers on this topic for many years. I am a sounding board for them, and when I start to give advice, they say, “Mom, I don’t want advice. Just listen to me.” Sometimes they do want advice, but now I am reminded to ask first.
