I created Living ROI as a passion, to share my experiences and support others who want to live more authentic, joyful and fulfilling lives.
Dear Friends,
Last week was a tough week all around. First, the Kavanaugh hearing and subsequent fallout was heart-wrenching and spirit-shattering for everyone. Regardless of which side of the divide you sit on, no one won.
As a woman, there was a particular bite to it. It brought to the surface memories of being marginalized in big and small ways. I have spent years pretending a sexist society hasn’t touched me too deeply. I’ve been successful in my career, so I’ve shrugged it off. It’s easy to overlook the subtle ways it stings.
First, inevitably earning less money than my male counterparts. And next, the double standard of behavior. When a man gets riled up, he is sticking up for himself and is strong. When a woman gets riled up, she is out of control and a bitch. When a man is assertive, his is praised. When a woman is assertive, she is judged.
Women are conditioned young to behave a certain way. We are praised when we help and are polite. In my Be Bold post a few weeks ago I talked about how I was criticized for, and discouraged from, being assertive in fourth grade. My confidence and ambition as a young female was an affront to my teacher, a woman herself.
More recently, I was out for drinks with two professional men, both of whom I know well. There was a distinct if subtle behavior that happened between them that put me down a rung. It is hard to put a finger on it, but it has to do with equity in the conversation. Eye contact. Attention. They had no intention nor idea it was happening and I don’t think I could even coach them how to avoid it in the future!
As a professional woman, I have worked hard to never talk about perceived sexism. We want to be above it. If we don’t talk about it, maybe it will go away. The men mostly would never know it was occurring. It can be so subtle, and so conditioned. “What are you talking about? I’m not sexist!”
Yes, you’re not meaning to be sexist. And because you are on that side of the table, it’s harder for you to see something that we try to ignore. It’s not just men, women also keep stereotypes alive. “The computer/plumbing/car, etc., isn’t working, is Tom around to help fix it?”
The other sick I’ve been this week is the traditional kind of sick. A cold that turned into a very bad cough. I have been so tired. I had to rest; and, I felt guilty and unproductive. It’s another example of how I’m touched by societal conditioning.
I didn’t do email. I didn’t plan my week. I didn’t do the dishes. I played backgammon on my phone, a lot.
We all have weeks like this, when our spirit and/or body are lagging behind. This week I didn’t fight it, I just let it run its course. I don’t know what to do about the dysfunction of our government in the U.S., or even how to solve our broader social challenges, but I do know how to take care of myself so I can bring my best to the table.
Wishing everyone a better week!
Barbara Fagan-Smith
CEO, ROI Communication
Chief Catalyst, Living ROI
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