I created Living ROI as a passion, to share my experiences and support others who want to live more authentic, joyful and fulfilling lives.

Dear Friends,

On Tuesday, Colin and I will have our 26th wedding anniversary—and some things never change, for better or for worse. We have aligned on so many things in our lives together—homes we bought, schools for our children, extensive travel, food, lifestyle, values and much more. But when it comes to holidays, it’s another story.

Colin doesn’t like decorations. He doesn’t like Christmas lights. I love decorations; especially Christmas lights! We have this beautiful old Queen Anne Victorian house which has been calling to be lit up. It has been a dream of mine to light it properly for the holidays since we moved here 11 years ago. Normally, our lights are, what I would call, modest.

This year, I made that dream a reality, with the slightly grudging blessing of my husband. For the first time, we really talked about how we felt about this topic.

Surprisingly, this can be an emotional topic for me. I yearn to express myself more during this time of year and I can feel limited by Colin’s preferences. He said to me, “I’m consistent. I’ve never liked lights and decorations. I’m just being me.” And I said, “Yes, you have been consistent. And sometimes you being you gets in the way of me being me.”

My request was that we consciously balance the two desires, and this year was my turn! As it turns out, Colin really likes the lights, for this year anyway.

The Smith house lit up

There are many nuggets of wisdom we have discovered over the years. At one point, when our first daughter was just one year old (a stressful time for many relationships) we went to a program for couples in crisis called Retrouvaille. It was a revelation for us. Later, we attended another couple’s education experience with Hedi and Yumi Schleifer, from whom we learned a lot!

Here are some of the things we’ve learned:

• Love is a decision, not a feeling. Sometimes you don’t feel the love and that’s when you remember the decision part.
• It helps to understand and share the underlying needs of a conflict. Normally, in life, we just feel things and react, and we don’t even understand ourselves what is going on beneath the conflict.
• It’s never too late to learn new things about each other and experience new adventures together. Keep the relationship growing by talking with, and listening to, your partner as you would a friend.
• The return on the investment of spending time deepening your relationship and understanding how to be in relationship pays off in spades down the road.

Thank you, Colin! Your concession this year on the lights means a lot. Could the government learn a thing or two about compromise?

With gratitude,

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